August 6, 2009Total Recall is loosely based on the movie of the same name. If you haven’t seen it yet, do yourself a favor and rent it now. It’s B-Movie Sci-Fi schlock at it’s finest. The Governator plays Douglas Quaid a construction worker who may or may not have been a secret agent on Mars whose memory of his service has been erased and replaced with his current life of Earthly domesticity. He needs to uncover his identity and save mutant revolutionaries from the evil Mars boss Cohagen. Lots of people get killed and things get blown up along the way. It sounds great because it is. The game? Not so much.
Nothing: There is not a single redeemable moment in this piece of crap.
Quaid: I don’t remember Ahhnold wearing a green jumpsuit in the movie or having giant breasts.
Enemies: One of my favorite scenes from the movie is when Quaid fights the little pink man in the alley. Oh wait, no it’s not. That wasn’t in the fucking movie! Just like half of the other poorly rendered villains thrown into the game.
Graphics & Animations: The movements in the game are terribly awkward and jerky. You should get a good chuckle out of watching Arnie try to run and jump.
Controls: Movement is horribly imprecise, punches frequently don’t register, piss poor programming all around.
The Whole Damn Thing: You know what? Forget about changing anything. Toss it all and start over. The developers should have to play this in hell as their penance.
Total Recall is one of the worst games I’ve ever played. We at Vidgama don’t usually expect much from movie tie-ins but this is just horrendous. It’s pretty much unplayable but I suffered through it for you, dear reader. I’m not even sure the developers have seen the movie, just take a look at the game over screen.
Seek & Destroy